Feeling Like a Fish Out of Water

Okay, I know it . . . I'm not very good at admitting defeat.  And, since I played 3 varsity high school sports a year growing up, I have this childhood-engrained mentality (and not changed by the reality of age or skill) that I am supposedly good at sports.  As a result, when it comes to new sports, I have a hard time letting others see that I'm not very good at it. (even though, of course, there are plenty of sports I'm not very good at).

Well, today, quite embarrassingly, and now very publicly, I admit defeat.

Today Darren and I took our first scuba diving lesson.  Unlike the classes I looked at given at the National Diver Center in Washington, D.C., this diver certification course (certified by the same international organization, PADI, as in DC) is not 6 days long, but it's all truncated into 2 days.  You learn books skills in the morning, then both days after class you practice scuba skills in the nearby pool. Then, like back home, you take your open water dive somewhere out in . . . well, the open water. We had 4 students in our class today, including Darren and myself.

Well, at least I'm happy to report that I did great at the book skills.  Did all my studying before the class, and then took 6 separate quizzes in the morning and did very well. 

But then in the afternoon, we got in the water.  We didn't have much time to adjust very long, or even practice learning (in a practical way) what all these tubes, dials, and regulators do, but immediately we dove down below the surface and had to start practicing skills.  I was still very nervous, not remembering exactly what button to press to help my jacket deflate so I can go down, or inflate so I can go up, but pretty quickly I got the hang of that.  But then, while I was under water, I had trouble getting enough air in my lungs.  I tried very hard to breath slow, deep breaths, but still I felt short of breath.  And consequently, I had to keep coming to the surface to breath - the worst thing possible to help yourself because you KNOW you can't do that when you're out at sea many meters below the surface.  As our instructor said, if you have a problem, stay calm and try to fix the problem under water.  But, I couldn't do that.  I just couldn't breathe enough air to feel comfortable and yes, maybe I was short of breath because I was nervous about not being able to breathe.  I managed to stay at the bottom long enough to practice a few of the skills required - moving the regulator out of my mouth and then putting it back in, clearing my mask, filling my mask with water, then clearing it underwater, etc.  But, throughout the whole thing, I did not feel I had enough air to breath and I felt very uncomfortable breathing from the scuba tank.  This is just not for me, I kept thinking.  I don't like it.  I can't breathe.  I just can't breathe!  I asked my instructor for help several times - I told him that I could not breath enough air and I asked him if there was any equipment I could fix to make breathing easier, or anything else I could do, but he just told me, "remain calm . . . it's difficult to breath if you are nervous . . . fix any problems under the water, do not come to the surface, as you will not be able to do that in open water."  

For the next hour, I dove down underwater several times and did a few other skills, but the class was just going way too fast for me and I was not comfortable with it because I could not breathe well.  I was short of breathe all the time and no matter how long I floated to the top and relaxed, once I went down again, I quickly became short of breath again.  And, I was starting to get a bit of a headache and feel lightheaded.

At the very end of the class, one of the other students who had been diving before (this was just a refresher class), heard about my problem and showed me how to open my regulator valve more to allow more air to come in.  OOOOHHH . . . I suddenly discovered, I can breath better!  This helped a lot.  What also helped was learning how to clear my regulator better, so the passageway was more clear.

Anyway, but by the time I learned all of this, it was time to go and I had to get out of the pool, without really being able to practice my (hopefully) newfound ability to breathe well underwater.  

So, maybe it was just the regulator valve that I needed to open more and my instructor didn't realize what was wrong.  Or, possibly I needed to clear my regulator tubes better.  Or, maybe it was entirely my fault and I was too nervous and short of breath for an effective dive.  Regardless, I got out of the pool feeling very sad, embarrassed, and defeated.  This was especially difficult for me, because Logan and Natasha were right nearby, asking all of these questions about the diving and wanting to hear all about it.  And, the first thing I wanted to say, but the last thing I was able to do, was tell them how much fun diving was.  And, of course, I also didn't want them to see how sad, defeated, and frustrated I was by the whole experience.

So, next week we'll go back.  And, I'll try a new regulator on, and now I know how to open it up all the way.  Plus, I'll clear my regulator better each time, and maybe I'll have better luck.  But, right now, I'm feeling pretty bad about how class went today and how much I was struggling to breathe.  So, I will try to do better next time.

I just hope I can get to be skilled at scuba diving.  It seems such a wonderful sport and I want to be able to dive with my husband, and someday with my kids, at wonderful dive spots around the world.

Oh, and most importantly, I don't ever want to admit defeat

FOLLOW UP:  A SCUBA POSTSCRIPT:  The day after our class, I saw the instructor again and I made small talk for a while and then, once again, I mentioned that I thought my regulator valve was not open enough and I was not getting enough air.  He disputed that such a thing would make a big difference, but he did casually say that when he closed my air tank at the end of the day, he noticed that it was not open all the way. . . . What??  Are you kidding me??  I asked him why he did not help me check that yesterday when I was having problems, and his over simplistic response was, "We did it all together and it's up to you to be responsible for our own equipment."  "But, I'm just the STUDENT, and you're the TEACHER who is supposed to help me learn how to do that!" I responded emphatically, upset by his inability to accept responsibility and the fact that I had wasted a whole day feeling upset, embarrassed and dejected about the whole experience.  Also, I was frustrated by what I perceived to be bit of a communication barrier between the two of us.  Then, later in the day I told a pool-side friend about my scuba class experience and she told me that a professional diver in Dubai just drowned in open water because his air tank was not open enough.  Shortly after he dove in, he came to the top complaining, "something doesn't feel right, I don't know what it is."  Then, he dove back in the water, and never returned to the surface alive.

Anyway, so the lesson learned is:  trust your instincts.  If something doesn't feel right . . . chances are, it probably isn't.  I also learned, don't be so full of pride that you make yourself do something just to prove some ill-conceived point (like, that you're good at sports), or to show off to others.  Especially, when it might hurt you.